I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
