have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
