Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
