I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
