i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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