No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Randomize
