In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
