I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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