marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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