i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
