my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
