I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
