So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
