moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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