I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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