the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
