ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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