I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
