My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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