the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
