That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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