I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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