My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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