Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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