are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
