but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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