erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
