u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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