Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
