so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I want a musical about memes.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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