I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
