I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
