I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
