I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
