I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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