Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
