Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
