Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Randomize
