Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
