I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
That accounts for only three of the penises
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
