Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think my fart just growled at me.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Is Oprah even human
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
