Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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