That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My ass is underappreciated
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
