well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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