He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize