the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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