I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
