Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
