awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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