did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize