No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
