You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
