he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
