he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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