I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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