my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
