I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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