Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
