Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
