Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
